Burdens

Lately, probably the last few months things have started to get busy and school has become hectic. My weekends have just been a time to relax and catch up on the things I like to do. What I didn't notice was that something was slowly creeping its way back into my life. Like I said, the weekends were dedicated to things that I wanted to do, not good because practically non of it was wholesome to my faith. It started out as just playing too much Xbox and staying up really late and therefore waking up late and ruining the next day. Then came sexual sin, sexual sin was something that I though was more or less conquered last year. I won't go into the whole story now but its something that took alot of suffering and by the summer was practically nonexistent. I don't like talking about things like this but it is probably the #1 thing I smuggle with, and to be honest it straight up sucks. So each weekend it would get a little worse, nothing serious compared to the worlds standard: thinking about girls in an unfit way or looking at pictures on Facebook that I had no reason looking at. It did get worse but it wasn't the severity it was the fact that this was back at all, sin was sin and here I was wrestling with something I though Christ and I had wrestled down. Each weekend I would stay up late and fall into the same trap, the next day I would spend my day angry at myself asking for forgiveness and repentance. During the week Im completely fine going to bible studies, getting up early to read the word. Ans then the weekend roles around and its the same old story. I feel like every time.I pray now It comes back to me asking for forgiveness and strength. Its taking a toll on my faith, I feel physically burden, my heart is heavy with worries and struggles I'm just tired, yes sleep tired but even more spiritually tired and worn out. I desire the rest that Jesus talks about for all who seek him. When I think about me seeking Jesus I say " yeah I seek him but then I fall and fail", its really consuming trying to start from step one each week. I want it to be over with but I know I'm going to have to be strong (not my own strength but His) and fight this tooth and nail with small victories. I believe that Christ can break every chain and I believe that His love is greater than my struggles. Its known that sexual sin is pretty prevalent among men but when I think about that I say to myself "I don't want to be like most men" , I don't care if I've only been a Christian a little over a year, I want to be a man in Christ and not fall to the lies of lust. My last point for tonight is that Christ's put in on my heart that it is good to deal with this now because when its overcome for good (well it will always be there but when it has no power over me) I won't have fall to those temptations when I'm older when there are even more of them. So right now my tanks running on empty but I will not give up, next weekend will be another test and I'm going to pray for the small victories