Rant

Why do people come and go out of your life so quickly. Not even talking about physically leaving but being emotionally there and invested. This girls got me tripping because she's so hard to read. I love how she's reserved, quiet and conservative but I'm not a mind reader and she never talks about her feelings. She could be into someone else and I would never know. But part (if not all) of the problem is me worrying about it. I probably make problems where there arnt any, overthinking every little thing. Hate this guessing game, think the best plan is just prepare for the worst. Could go 1 of two ways. 1 worry and care, ask her friends talk to her be clingy think about her all that. 2 become emotionally absent, back out and if she comes asking then talk, if she lets it happen then you have your answer. This is terrible, not sure why I get attached, probably shouldn't again for awhile. Need something else in my life so I'm not dependent on variables that change so quickly. 

Hypocrisy

For English last year we had to make a poster of things that defined us. Our teacher kept them up on the wall all year long and as I looked at them I saw crosses everywhere. There were more than a handful of posters that had a cross on them who I knew did not in any way live it out. I walked in the same room this year and this year's class had their posters up, and again crosses were everywhere and some of the people who included then again did not express their faiths. This used to make me pretty mad, I would contemplate calling these people out just to seem them stumble and possibly admit they didn't live out the message of the cross. I walked into the room today and had a different attitude: I am that hypocrite who included a cross on his poster last year. I'm the sinner the hypocrite the fake the actor. I'm worse than the people who don't know what the cross means but put it on their papers. I know what Christ has done for me, I've read the gospel, I know the punishment for sin yet i still continue to live a life of sin. Repentance is short lived and when temptation comes I'm swallowed by it time and time again, I am the betrayer. I'm unworthy to carry the name of Christ and I'm still trying to find the balance between my unworthiness and his grace. Where does sinner saved by grace give way to arrogant sinner unwilling to suffer and change. I want to change, want the joy of obedience, more than anything. And when I don't want it, I want to want it. A plan? My sin need to be bright to light, humility can't come without humiliation and there is only power in Jesus Christ. My flesh begs for the world and the false pleasure it gives, how short lived it is! My fear is that I will be like the people Paul talks about in Romans 1 where "God gave them over to their lusts and desires". If you give up your life for my sake you will find it. I want to live in that truth.  

Purge

It's taken two hookups, cheating on my prom date and numerous other worldly and immoral actions for me to come to this point in my faith. It's been two years since I got saved (right around that) and it has been a roller coaster. Some amazing highs and lows and alot of flat ground but now I find myself lower than I have ever been. I praise God that my eyes have been opened to my broken and lowly position because, that I can finally see. Slowly, once baseball had started I quickly found less and less time to read the word and when I was in the word it was either rushed or at a late hour of the night. I did not, put every effort I could into reading and slowly my obedience started to slip. This is known to happen in my own faith walk where my heart becomes deceived and I walk in the flesh for a short while, but normally quick to repent. This time, I found myself unable to truly repent and falling victim to the same sins over and over. What was different was that I was now rooted to the world through relationships, whether it was my prom date or a number of girls I had been texting where I had no kept righteousness as my top priority. All these things, commitments to the world tied me down, so even when I tried to repent (and did repent, not just tried) I was quickly being pulled right back down. Now, I have recently tried to remove as many flirtatious relationships or ungodly conversations from my life as possible. I've come to a cross roads on one, who happens to be my best friend who is a girl, but Gods word has been extremely clear to me especially in Ephesians 5:3-7, that I cannot partner (aka relationship, "thing") with someone who does not know Christ. It is turning out to be tremendously hard to end this in a way that both glorify a Christ (getting me away from sexual immorality) and keeps that close friendship we have had for almost 10 years. I know that I most likely cannot have both and deep down inside I know that earthly relationships leave people empty. My prayer is that Christ would supply me the courage to end this lustful add on to our friendship, that I would care less about how she reacts and more that the shackles of sin had been broken. This last step to the purge has been extremely hard and is testing my faith to the maximum. Gods word in James 1:21 says that the word has the power to save. So as I find myself here at this cross roads on this purge for Christ, I pray that the word might be my utmost goal, that I might find Christs power and Holy Spirit in His words. 

Slipping

Baseball started a few weeks ago and my faith has really tanked, like seriously tanked since then. It's not because I'm around guys who don't know The Lord it's more because I've been procrastinating my work and have barley spent any time at all in the word and even less in genuine prayer. I can feel the wordly desires and passions creep right back in and the things I used to do fall right back into my daily routine. As I slowly move away from serving God and more towards serving myself I can feel that spiritual filter, of what's right and wrong (with conviction included) start to fade away. The more I son and the more regularly I do it, the easier it become and the less repentance happens. Lust, swearing, anger, adultery are all swarming in in this tough time. I make some really feeble attempts to get back on track but I know that wont happen until I get back into the word and the spirit fills me again. I know I can't get back on track for more than a moment on my own strength. I feel myself being nonchalant about this "slip" but it's more than a slip. What scares me are the verses that say He will know them by their fruit and even those who come to me and say Lord Lord will not enter. This lack of faith/suffering/strength is worrying me and John piper makes a good point in saying that all these sins are not the reason but the product. The reason is that I'm not satisfied in my salvation, in God so I'm seeking te world. When I'm not being filled by God what am I feeding myself with? Lord I pray for your grace in this that you would remove these wordly desires and reclaims your rightful place in my life, I need you urgently in my weakness

Slave to sin

A really rough day after about of month of going strong for the Lord. I guess it caught me off guard especially after such a good weekend retreat. I've noticed that when I go into sinful situations with temptations I've really already made up my mind what I want to do before I go. Whether it be I'm going to do everything  I can resist, or see how it plays out, or just turn your back on christ making some excuse (the last one sounds brutal but its the one I choose the most). This sexual sin really seems unbeatable at this point, its tricky because it could only happen once a month. I want this done once in for all and myparents first place to go is prayer. Prayer for conviction each day. Going to try to write this blog more. Friends, through our sin he is faithful. Pray for deliverance!

Making War

Lot on my mind right now as I should be doing homework. Another let down day as my flesh took over again. Continually God teaches me through my failures and I pray that I remember each lesson. Saved by grace really comes to mind at a time like this where im feeling really spiritually stressed. It helps to remember that we are covered by the blood of Christ, His blood, something we mention so often was not free but bough at a price. I've never seen Jesus, but I have an intimate relationship with Him (which i pray will keep growing deeper), and as I think and Picture God's son in my mind I see a great kind clothed in white who gave it ALL. Im a wretched, impure sexually immoral sinner here, living with darkness all around being attacked constantly, but the Holy Trinity saw something in me that was worthy for God to send his only son and die the death that I deserve. I've heard that same thing tens of times, but I pray that God would keep that truth to be the most real and sharp truth in my life, its easy to just know it but to hold it near your heart is a whole different story. So knowing that I (we) have eternal worth, paralleled with knowing a little bit about Gods loving nature, lets stand back up, return to the fight (not with our own strength but with His) and start to make war against ourselves and our fleshly desires once again. God I pray that you would send the Holy Spirit to guide our lives, to understand that you strengthen the weak, and that because we have been born again we are dead to sin, it has no power over us. God, despite our failures, destroy any footholds that sin may have it us, let all guilt shame and condemnation be gone and let us go as sinners, yes, but sinners saved by grace, amen.

Burdens

Lately, probably the last few months things have started to get busy and school has become hectic. My weekends have just been a time to relax and catch up on the things I like to do. What I didn't notice was that something was slowly creeping its way back into my life. Like I said, the weekends were dedicated to things that I wanted to do, not good because practically non of it was wholesome to my faith. It started out as just playing too much Xbox and staying up really late and therefore waking up late and ruining the next day. Then came sexual sin, sexual sin was something that I though was more or less conquered last year. I won't go into the whole story now but its something that took alot of suffering and by the summer was practically nonexistent. I don't like talking about things like this but it is probably the #1 thing I smuggle with, and to be honest it straight up sucks. So each weekend it would get a little worse, nothing serious compared to the worlds standard: thinking about girls in an unfit way or looking at pictures on Facebook that I had no reason looking at. It did get worse but it wasn't the severity it was the fact that this was back at all, sin was sin and here I was wrestling with something I though Christ and I had wrestled down. Each weekend I would stay up late and fall into the same trap, the next day I would spend my day angry at myself asking for forgiveness and repentance. During the week Im completely fine going to bible studies, getting up early to read the word. Ans then the weekend roles around and its the same old story. I feel like every time.I pray now It comes back to me asking for forgiveness and strength. Its taking a toll on my faith, I feel physically burden, my heart is heavy with worries and struggles I'm just tired, yes sleep tired but even more spiritually tired and worn out. I desire the rest that Jesus talks about for all who seek him. When I think about me seeking Jesus I say " yeah I seek him but then I fall and fail", its really consuming trying to start from step one each week. I want it to be over with but I know I'm going to have to be strong (not my own strength but His) and fight this tooth and nail with small victories. I believe that Christ can break every chain and I believe that His love is greater than my struggles. Its known that sexual sin is pretty prevalent among men but when I think about that I say to myself "I don't want to be like most men" , I don't care if I've only been a Christian a little over a year, I want to be a man in Christ and not fall to the lies of lust. My last point for tonight is that Christ's put in on my heart that it is good to deal with this now because when its overcome for good (well it will always be there but when it has no power over me) I won't have fall to those temptations when I'm older when there are even more of them. So right now my tanks running on empty but I will not give up, next weekend will be another test and I'm going to pray for the small victories