Hypocrisy

For English last year we had to make a poster of things that defined us. Our teacher kept them up on the wall all year long and as I looked at them I saw crosses everywhere. There were more than a handful of posters that had a cross on them who I knew did not in any way live it out. I walked in the same room this year and this year's class had their posters up, and again crosses were everywhere and some of the people who included then again did not express their faiths. This used to make me pretty mad, I would contemplate calling these people out just to seem them stumble and possibly admit they didn't live out the message of the cross. I walked into the room today and had a different attitude: I am that hypocrite who included a cross on his poster last year. I'm the sinner the hypocrite the fake the actor. I'm worse than the people who don't know what the cross means but put it on their papers. I know what Christ has done for me, I've read the gospel, I know the punishment for sin yet i still continue to live a life of sin. Repentance is short lived and when temptation comes I'm swallowed by it time and time again, I am the betrayer. I'm unworthy to carry the name of Christ and I'm still trying to find the balance between my unworthiness and his grace. Where does sinner saved by grace give way to arrogant sinner unwilling to suffer and change. I want to change, want the joy of obedience, more than anything. And when I don't want it, I want to want it. A plan? My sin need to be bright to light, humility can't come without humiliation and there is only power in Jesus Christ. My flesh begs for the world and the false pleasure it gives, how short lived it is! My fear is that I will be like the people Paul talks about in Romans 1 where "God gave them over to their lusts and desires". If you give up your life for my sake you will find it. I want to live in that truth.